Pants on the ground, pants
on the ground. Lookin' like a
fool with your pants on...
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
How to Quit Smoking (Cold Turkey)
First you have to want to quit smoking. As any respectable doctor will tell you, even a prescription for quit smoking pills is more or less a waste of money if you're not psychologically ready to quit. And these pills actually lessen cravings and withdrawal symptoms to the point where you won't necessarily feel like randomly destroying inanimate objects that are laying around the house. This alone pretty much makes the case for being "ready" as being the first real step towards quitting. Because we smokers know how severe those withdrawals can be.
The second step is to get sick. Real sick. A severe cold, flu or acceptably nauseating stomach bug should do the trick.
Just to be clear, I'm not suggesting that you should make yourself sick, but that you should seize the opportunity if it comes along. The reason for this is that certain types of illnesses will either make smoking uncomfortable (sore throat) or take away nicotine cravings altogether for a short period of time (stomach flu).
If you can manage to contract an illness that gives both of these opportunities, then you're golden. This is because the most severe physical withdrawal symptoms will last for about 72 hours. So if you get sick enough, which means you won't want to smoke while you are sick, then when you're feeling well enough to smoke again, you will already have a major part of the battle over and done with. This is assuming of course that you are sick for at least 2-3 days.
To conclude:
If you are psychologically ready to quit smoking and you happen to get sick, then use the fact that you are sick to your advantage. The body will be more concerned with extreme nausea (for example) than it will be with nicotine cravings. This provides a natural window of opportunity in which you will not be overcome by those cravings. And because the most severe withdrawal symptoms last only 72 hours, then being sick for a roughly equivalent amount of time will make it so that those 72 hours never even existed.
Worked for me.
Note:
While I managed to quit smoking using this exact method, I have since relapsed. It was nearly a year later though, so it does work.
The second step is to get sick. Real sick. A severe cold, flu or acceptably nauseating stomach bug should do the trick.
Just to be clear, I'm not suggesting that you should make yourself sick, but that you should seize the opportunity if it comes along. The reason for this is that certain types of illnesses will either make smoking uncomfortable (sore throat) or take away nicotine cravings altogether for a short period of time (stomach flu).
If you can manage to contract an illness that gives both of these opportunities, then you're golden. This is because the most severe physical withdrawal symptoms will last for about 72 hours. So if you get sick enough, which means you won't want to smoke while you are sick, then when you're feeling well enough to smoke again, you will already have a major part of the battle over and done with. This is assuming of course that you are sick for at least 2-3 days.
To conclude:
If you are psychologically ready to quit smoking and you happen to get sick, then use the fact that you are sick to your advantage. The body will be more concerned with extreme nausea (for example) than it will be with nicotine cravings. This provides a natural window of opportunity in which you will not be overcome by those cravings. And because the most severe withdrawal symptoms last only 72 hours, then being sick for a roughly equivalent amount of time will make it so that those 72 hours never even existed.
Worked for me.
Note:
While I managed to quit smoking using this exact method, I have since relapsed. It was nearly a year later though, so it does work.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
The Select Samaritan
The title of this blog is of course taken from the eponymous poem Select Samaritan by Robert Finch.
I have never really liked the poem, it being too didactic for my tastes. Beyond that, I've never liked the way it was written. Obtuse comes to mind. Blunt. But whatever. The point is that I have always loved the title. It put an elegantly ironic twist on our well-worn Good Samaritan metaphor and opened my mind to a whole new level of possibilities within the greater literary world.
This all occurred during my high school days, long before I became a proper netizen and well before the Internet itself became the big player it now is in our daily lives. It existed of course, but only hardcore PC users were jacking in every day. The rest of us were dilettantes at best.
Anyway, once the Internet invasion had advanced to the point where it could no longer be ignored, I began to test the waters by participating sporadically in select (no pun intended) forums. Gradual immersion in online culture ensued. This led to the development of a general online persona that showed slightly varying sides of itself depending on the forum of the day.
I say varying because circumstances themselves varied between the handful of forums I was associated with. So in a very real evolutionary sense, I would always adapt to meet the demands of the surrounding environment. This ensured survival first of all, and then prosperity if one was good enough. And by that I mean sufficiently intelligent and well written, among numerous other necessary qualities.
At the end of the proverbial day however, all "personalities" led back to Rome. It was always me, it just wasn't all of me. And while I took pride in knowing that I was always more authentic and less exaggerated than many of my peers, I also despised the fact that I had to constantly play the very characters that I had created in the first place.
I pondered blogging, but it just wasn't kosher at the time. As I wrote in my first post, the mere thought of it induced nausea. Instead, I moved on to bigger and better forums and brought increasing amounts of my own personality to the table.
With each new arena I searched long and hard for a nom de plume that would jell nicely with what I knew my persona would be. And each time I had to scratch Select Samaritan off my list because I had not yet reached the point where I could unabashedly revel in the totality of my personality, which for me, simply means being a well-written bastard. Publicly. Anything else (of a positive nature, like being at least somewhat funny or even marginally interesting) is just icing on the cake.
Welcome to The Select Samaritan.
I have never really liked the poem, it being too didactic for my tastes. Beyond that, I've never liked the way it was written. Obtuse comes to mind. Blunt. But whatever. The point is that I have always loved the title. It put an elegantly ironic twist on our well-worn Good Samaritan metaphor and opened my mind to a whole new level of possibilities within the greater literary world.
This all occurred during my high school days, long before I became a proper netizen and well before the Internet itself became the big player it now is in our daily lives. It existed of course, but only hardcore PC users were jacking in every day. The rest of us were dilettantes at best.
Anyway, once the Internet invasion had advanced to the point where it could no longer be ignored, I began to test the waters by participating sporadically in select (no pun intended) forums. Gradual immersion in online culture ensued. This led to the development of a general online persona that showed slightly varying sides of itself depending on the forum of the day.
I say varying because circumstances themselves varied between the handful of forums I was associated with. So in a very real evolutionary sense, I would always adapt to meet the demands of the surrounding environment. This ensured survival first of all, and then prosperity if one was good enough. And by that I mean sufficiently intelligent and well written, among numerous other necessary qualities.
At the end of the proverbial day however, all "personalities" led back to Rome. It was always me, it just wasn't all of me. And while I took pride in knowing that I was always more authentic and less exaggerated than many of my peers, I also despised the fact that I had to constantly play the very characters that I had created in the first place.
I pondered blogging, but it just wasn't kosher at the time. As I wrote in my first post, the mere thought of it induced nausea. Instead, I moved on to bigger and better forums and brought increasing amounts of my own personality to the table.
With each new arena I searched long and hard for a nom de plume that would jell nicely with what I knew my persona would be. And each time I had to scratch Select Samaritan off my list because I had not yet reached the point where I could unabashedly revel in the totality of my personality, which for me, simply means being a well-written bastard. Publicly. Anything else (of a positive nature, like being at least somewhat funny or even marginally interesting) is just icing on the cake.
Welcome to The Select Samaritan.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Christopher Hitchens
He can think, he can speak and he can write. All rather keenly I might add.
His latest book, God is not Great is a must read for any self-respecting free thinker.
A good introduction to the man, his philosophies and of course his bestselling new atheistic tome can be found in this Authors @ Google video.
Enjoy.
His latest book, God is not Great is a must read for any self-respecting free thinker.
A good introduction to the man, his philosophies and of course his bestselling new atheistic tome can be found in this Authors @ Google video.
Enjoy.
New Year's Resolutions You Shouldn't Make or, Adam Lambert's Penis
I did a search this morning for New Year’s resolutions. The first result that Google shat out was a sublime imagining (in article form) of Adam Lambert likely being too busy with his musical career to make any self-improving promises this time around.
I didn’t click. I settled instead on silent reflection, smiling inwardly as I imagined him being resolved to suck more cock than he did last year.
My penchant for coming up with pure stupidity (and for being entertained by it) has its limits however, and I soon resumed my mission.
Google result numero 2 was more in line with what I was looking for. Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions. I clicked.
What a salubrious pile of shit. The self-help sunshine nearly blinded me. This was, in fact, exactly what I was looking for.
1 - Spend More Time with Family and Friends
The author says that more than 50% of Americans have made a vow to appreciate friends and family more and to spend more time with the whole lot of them.
Right. Exactly how often do you sit back and think about all that wasted time, spent doing the things you want to do with the people you want to do them with and then wish that your fucking family was in on all the fun?
Hell, most people don’t want their family (especially their parents) added to their Facebook accounts, let alone frolicking around in the midst of their social lives.
Holidays, standardized visits and perhaps an impromptu get together or three is just about all you want in a given year.
And what’s this friends bullshit? Do you owe them time or something? Jesus, more often than not friendships are relationships of convenience. Person A and person B plan on going somewhere. There is room for two more people in the car. Person C is coming regardless, but person D, who would otherwise hang with these peeps more than person E is being left out because person E would be much more fun (or advantageous) in this particular situation. Person E has nothing else to do, says yes and memories are born.
2 - Fit in Fitness
How cute.
The evidence is in, he writes, regular exercise is good for you. It’s healthy.
Exactly how long has this man been waiting for “the scientists” to complete work on their unified exercise theory, run trials and then publish the results?
The evidence is in, yeah. You’re a shit writer.
3 - Tame the Bulge
The evidence is in, you’re also a lazy writer. Weight loss and exercise go hand in hand, so unless you’re advocating some fad diet or weight loss surgery, this is really just an extension of the previous resolution.
Good try though.
4 - Quit Smoking
Yeah, that’s a great way to start the year off. Throw away your smokes and start ramming your head through walls.
If cold turkey isn’t for you, start swallowing pills. Side effects include heartburn, nausea, blurred vision and suicidal tendencies.
Listen, we all know smoking is bad, but we’ll quit when we’re fucking ready. Anything less than that is pure misery.
5 - Enjoy Life More
As if we hate it and can’t wait to die. As if our jobs define us. As if we’re all religious sheep, bleating for the greener grass on the other side.
You strike me, sir, as one of those geniuses who thinks that all major villains (fictional or otherwise) strive to be evil.
The reality is of course that all major villains (fictional or otherwise) do what they believe to be right. They’re just people. Like us. And like people do, we try to enjoy life by whatever means are available. Could be a cup of coffee in the morning, could be a vacation.
6 - Quit Drinking
Fuck you.
7 - Get Out of Debt
This is a real gem. He’s basically telling us that being on top of our own financial situations is not something we should be doing at all times. Instead, blow what little money you have and worry about it in the new year.
Ok fine, I might be stretching it a little, but only an idiot doesn’t try to stay out of the hole. So why should it be a goddamn new year’s resolution?
8 - Learn Something New
I guess that’s not a bad one.
9 - Help Others
Apparently this man does not believe in human solidarity.
You may not be someone who volunteers regularly or even at all, but assuming you’re at least a marginally healthy member of society (and of the species), then I’ll bet my left nut that you will help other people out if and when the need arises.
10 - Get Organized
Not bad. But like those villains, we don’t actively try not to be.
Fuck’s sake.
I didn’t click. I settled instead on silent reflection, smiling inwardly as I imagined him being resolved to suck more cock than he did last year.
My penchant for coming up with pure stupidity (and for being entertained by it) has its limits however, and I soon resumed my mission.
Google result numero 2 was more in line with what I was looking for. Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions. I clicked.
What a salubrious pile of shit. The self-help sunshine nearly blinded me. This was, in fact, exactly what I was looking for.
1 - Spend More Time with Family and Friends
The author says that more than 50% of Americans have made a vow to appreciate friends and family more and to spend more time with the whole lot of them.
Right. Exactly how often do you sit back and think about all that wasted time, spent doing the things you want to do with the people you want to do them with and then wish that your fucking family was in on all the fun?
Hell, most people don’t want their family (especially their parents) added to their Facebook accounts, let alone frolicking around in the midst of their social lives.
Holidays, standardized visits and perhaps an impromptu get together or three is just about all you want in a given year.
And what’s this friends bullshit? Do you owe them time or something? Jesus, more often than not friendships are relationships of convenience. Person A and person B plan on going somewhere. There is room for two more people in the car. Person C is coming regardless, but person D, who would otherwise hang with these peeps more than person E is being left out because person E would be much more fun (or advantageous) in this particular situation. Person E has nothing else to do, says yes and memories are born.
2 - Fit in Fitness
How cute.
The evidence is in, he writes, regular exercise is good for you. It’s healthy.
Exactly how long has this man been waiting for “the scientists” to complete work on their unified exercise theory, run trials and then publish the results?
The evidence is in, yeah. You’re a shit writer.
3 - Tame the Bulge
The evidence is in, you’re also a lazy writer. Weight loss and exercise go hand in hand, so unless you’re advocating some fad diet or weight loss surgery, this is really just an extension of the previous resolution.
Good try though.
4 - Quit Smoking
Yeah, that’s a great way to start the year off. Throw away your smokes and start ramming your head through walls.
If cold turkey isn’t for you, start swallowing pills. Side effects include heartburn, nausea, blurred vision and suicidal tendencies.
Listen, we all know smoking is bad, but we’ll quit when we’re fucking ready. Anything less than that is pure misery.
5 - Enjoy Life More
As if we hate it and can’t wait to die. As if our jobs define us. As if we’re all religious sheep, bleating for the greener grass on the other side.
You strike me, sir, as one of those geniuses who thinks that all major villains (fictional or otherwise) strive to be evil.
The reality is of course that all major villains (fictional or otherwise) do what they believe to be right. They’re just people. Like us. And like people do, we try to enjoy life by whatever means are available. Could be a cup of coffee in the morning, could be a vacation.
6 - Quit Drinking
Fuck you.
7 - Get Out of Debt
This is a real gem. He’s basically telling us that being on top of our own financial situations is not something we should be doing at all times. Instead, blow what little money you have and worry about it in the new year.
Ok fine, I might be stretching it a little, but only an idiot doesn’t try to stay out of the hole. So why should it be a goddamn new year’s resolution?
8 - Learn Something New
I guess that’s not a bad one.
9 - Help Others
Apparently this man does not believe in human solidarity.
You may not be someone who volunteers regularly or even at all, but assuming you’re at least a marginally healthy member of society (and of the species), then I’ll bet my left nut that you will help other people out if and when the need arises.
10 - Get Organized
Not bad. But like those villains, we don’t actively try not to be.
Fuck’s sake.
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