New Year's Resolutions You Shouldn't Make or, Adam Lambert's Penis

I did a search this morning for New Year’s resolutions. The first result that Google shat out was a sublime imagining (in article form) of Adam Lambert likely being too busy with his musical career to make any self-improving promises this time around.

I didn’t click. I settled instead on silent reflection, smiling inwardly as I imagined him being resolved to suck more cock than he did last year.

My penchant for coming up with pure stupidity (and for being entertained by it) has its limits however, and I soon resumed my mission.

Google result numero 2 was more in line with what I was looking for. Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions. I clicked.

What a salubrious pile of shit. The self-help sunshine nearly blinded me. This was, in fact, exactly what I was looking for.

1 - Spend More Time with Family and Friends

The author says that more than 50% of Americans have made a vow to appreciate friends and family more and to spend more time with the whole lot of them.

Right. Exactly how often do you sit back and think about all that wasted time, spent doing the things you want to do with the people you want to do them with and then wish that your fucking family was in on all the fun?

Hell, most people don’t want their family (especially their parents) added to their Facebook accounts, let alone frolicking around in the midst of their social lives.

Holidays, standardized visits and perhaps an impromptu get together or three is just about all you want in a given year.

And what’s this friends bullshit? Do you owe them time or something? Jesus, more often than not friendships are relationships of convenience. Person A and person B plan on going somewhere. There is room for two more people in the car. Person C is coming regardless, but person D, who would otherwise hang with these peeps more than person E is being left out because person E would be much more fun (or advantageous) in this particular situation. Person E has nothing else to do, says yes and memories are born.

2 - Fit in Fitness

How cute.

The evidence is in, he writes, regular exercise is good for you. It’s healthy.

Exactly how long has this man been waiting for “the scientists” to complete work on their unified exercise theory, run trials and then publish the results?

The evidence is in, yeah. You’re a shit writer.

3 - Tame the Bulge

The evidence is in, you’re also a lazy writer. Weight loss and exercise go hand in hand, so unless you’re advocating some fad diet or weight loss surgery, this is really just an extension of the previous resolution.

Good try though.

4 - Quit Smoking

Yeah, that’s a great way to start the year off. Throw away your smokes and start ramming your head through walls.

If cold turkey isn’t for you, start swallowing pills. Side effects include heartburn, nausea, blurred vision and suicidal tendencies.

Listen, we all know smoking is bad, but we’ll quit when we’re fucking ready. Anything less than that is pure misery.

5 - Enjoy Life More

As if we hate it and can’t wait to die. As if our jobs define us. As if we’re all religious sheep, bleating for the greener grass on the other side.

You strike me, sir, as one of those geniuses who thinks that all major villains (fictional or otherwise) strive to be evil.

The reality is of course that all major villains (fictional or otherwise) do what they believe to be right. They’re just people. Like us. And like people do, we try to enjoy life by whatever means are available. Could be a cup of coffee in the morning, could be a vacation.

6 - Quit Drinking

Fuck you.

7 - Get Out of Debt

This is a real gem. He’s basically telling us that being on top of our own financial situations is not something we should be doing at all times. Instead, blow what little money you have and worry about it in the new year.

Ok fine, I might be stretching it a little, but only an idiot doesn’t try to stay out of the hole. So why should it be a goddamn new year’s resolution?

8 - Learn Something New

I guess that’s not a bad one.

9 - Help Others

Apparently this man does not believe in human solidarity.

You may not be someone who volunteers regularly or even at all, but assuming you’re at least a marginally healthy member of society (and of the species), then I’ll bet my left nut that you will help other people out if and when the need arises.

10 - Get Organized

Not bad. But like those villains, we don’t actively try not to be.

Fuck’s sake.